My plan - Ever since I can remember, I planned to be a stay-at-home mom. I had the dream of a house full of kids (at least four) and them coming home from school to a warm kitchen that smelled of dinner cooking. They would sit at the table, eat cookies (homemade, of course), do homework, and tell me about my day. Just picture Mrs. Cleaver - with the apron and everything - that was what I wanted to be. Eerch!! STOP!!! Fast forward to about 8 years ago...
Then I became a teacher. I loved, loved, LOVED my job!!! My job totally consumed me! Never did I tell people I was going to "work." I was always going to "school." I spent countless hours in my classroom working, decorating, planning. Everyone at school teased me for always staying there so late. It was nothing for me to put in 10 to 12 hours on some days. Actually, I very rarely left at the designated time. When I moved away from home my first year as a teacher, I had days when the only sunlight that I saw was when I was outside at recess. I left my apartment before the sun came up and left my classroom after it set in the evening. I almost always came home on the weekends, but even then I usually spent my Sunday afternoons in my classroom. I was exhausted, but I couldn't have been happier!
The first few days of every school year, my students always asked me if I had any kids of my own. My response to them was always, "I have ____ (the number of kids in my class) kids." The look on their faces when I explained to them that they were my "borrowed kids" for the year was one of those looks that I will never get tired of, that little grin of pleasure! My students - my kids, as I called them (I was even affectionately dubbed "Mama D" by one of my classes, which I loved) - were such a big part of my life. I was constantly thinking of them and planning little ideas in my head. I would buy books, games, decorations, candy, and anything without any thought. A LOT of money on them and my classroom during my first few years of teaching. So much, in fact, that I can remember counting out change in my car's ashtray to buy a hamburger from McDonald's as my dinner several times during my very first year of teaching! (Then I got married and had to explain where my money was going...LAUGH!!!)
The summer after my second year of teaching, I got married. When we started talking about starting a family, I insisted that I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. The only problem was I did not want to give up a job that I absolutely loved. I wanted to have both of my dreams, but the problem was I couldn't. And I refused to adjust or modify either of them. After about three years of trying to make a decision, I decided to stop worrying about it, let go of it, and let God do what he wanted. Wouldn't you know, I found out that I was pregnant a few months later.
I found out I was pregnant in November and right away began wondering what I was going to do as far as teaching went. Since my babe was due in July, I knew that I would be on maternity leave for at least the beginning of the new school year. That would allow me to have a little bit of time to make my "final" decision before I had to go back to school.
After Carolyn was born, I was REALLY torn!!! How could I leave this little one? How could I not teach and leave my classroom and everything behind? I began doing some research and discovered that I could actually take an entire year leave and still be guaranteed a position, although not necessarily my position, the following year. This was it! That is what I would do! That would give me a whole year to decide what I was going to do! To quote Scarlett O'Hara, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."
So I contacted the necessary people, wrote the formal letter, and got everything in place to begin my year at home. I planned to substitute a bit in the spring to "ease" myself back into school. If I felt like I had to get out the house, I could substitute more. If I couldn't stand being away from Carolyn, then I wouldn't substitute at all. Basically, I had a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card that gave me an extra year to make my final decision. I know had my new plan and I could enjoy Carolyn's first year at home with her.
I went to my school when teachers went back and visited with everyone and went over things with my long-term substitute who would teach my class for the whole year. It was the weirdest feeling seeing "my" classroom rearranged and decorated differently than I had it and seeing someone else sitting at "my" desk. Don't get me wrong! The substitute is an amazing teacher, wonderful person, and great friend. It was nothing against her - it just wasn't me. But, I left school feeling really okay and settled about my decision.
Ever hear the saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"? Well, that evening, my husband died!
NOW WHAT???
And because this post is getting really big and I haven't even gotten to my decision yet, I will continue this next time. I'll hold you in suspense! Hah!! Yes, I know...you are rolling our eyes at my cheesiness!!!
