One Tough Decision - Part 2

Just when I thought I had things figured out, I found myself with another kink in my plan! 

The school system that I work for treated me so wonderfully!  I was approached by several of my superiors who wanted to let me know that even though I had taken the year off and my replacement had been found, I could still change my mind and come back anytime.   I considered it, but I really wanted to be home with Carolyn for at least her first year.  I decided that I would still take the entire year off.  This would give me about eight months to make my permanent decision. 

I missed my job, but when I looked at my daughter, I couldn’t imagine going to work and missing all of the growing and changing that she was going to do.  It made it even harder with me being a single parent.  I’d have my job and everything that it entails (all of the work that I bring home and the late nights), plus all of the housework that would need to be done.  When would I ever have time for Carolyn? 

I decided to substitute a bit after the start of 2011.  I thought that it would definitely make my decision easier to make.   But once again, WRONG!!!     Being back at school only reminded me how much I loved my job and all of the amazing people that I work with.  How could I leave the position that I thought was my “perfect place” for me?  How could I not get to be around the people who had been a big part of my life for the past five years?   I have to tell you that I have never a part of such an amazing work family as I had at my school.  They had been there with me through every part of my adult life: the start of my career (although I had taught one year before I came there), planning my wedding, the adjustment from single to married, my pregnancy and all that it brought (they even kept a chair in the bathroom for me, just so I had somewhere to sit when I was puking my guts out everyday), my husband being diagnosed with cancer, the birth of my baby, and then the death of my husband.  That doesn’t even begin to mention all of the little things that they all supported me through.  I loved my classroom and fifth grade.  (I need to mention that I taught in the same school that I attended as a child.  Many of my teachers were still there when I began teaching.)  I knew that if I decided to resign I would lose my spot and that I would never get it back.  Walking through the doors of my school was just like coming home.  It didn’t even seem like I had ever left. 

Then there was Carolyn. If I went back to work, it meant that I would only see her in the morning when she woke up and then in the evening after I got home.  I quickly realized when I started substituting how much time in the evening was spent packing for the next day.  By the time I got things unpacked and put away from the day, Carolyn and myself fed, and then cleaned up the kitchen, it was time for Carolyn’s bath and bedtime.  With it only being me now, there was a lot to do.  Sure I would have the weekends, holidays, and snow days, but I kept thinking about how much I was going to miss.   She was only going to be little for a few years.  I knew that I would never get those days back.   

When I was at school, I wanted to be there and keep working.  When I was at home, I wanted to stay at home with Carolyn.   I would have myself convinced of what I was going to do and then I would go to school or go home and change my mind all over again.  How could I be the teacher and parent that I wanted to be?    I couldn’t make my mind up as to what I was going to do.  I cried and begged people to tell me what to do.  I prayed and I begged God to just yell the answer to me.   I couldn’t think of anything else.  This decision was going to change my life forever and there was no going back.  Making this decision was going to be the death of me! 

I put making my decision off as long as I could.  I was asked to let the board know by May and I was quickly running out of time.   So I wrote a few letters, made some phone calls, dropped Carolyn off at my mom’s one afternoon, and drove to the board office.  While there, I talked to several people and walked out feeling surprisingly calm about my decision.   I had officially resigned (although it had to be approved at the board meeting that week).    And I thought that was the hard part!

As the school year came to a close, I began spending afternoons at my school packing up the massive amount of stuff I had stored in my classroom.   You know those big back-to-school sales that stores have?  Well, there are stores that allow teachers to buy a larger quantity of the sale items than they let everyone else.  I have boxes and boxes of loose-leaf paper, spiral notebooks, composition books, etc!  That does not include the books, classroom decorations, and everything else that I had bought over the last six years of teaching.   It took me many days and jam-packed car and truckloads to get everything out of there! 

My last day of packing things up at the school was the hardest day.   My classroom (which was my classroom when I was a fifth grade student) was no longer my own.  I said goodbye to my fellow teachers and cried.   I was ending such a big part of my life.   I got to my mom’s that day to get Carolyn and I was happy that I had her and relieved that I finally had everything packed up.

Then came the start of this school year.  I kept seeing the big sales for school and had to continuously remind myself that I didn’t have to buy that stuff anymore.  It was really weird.   It was then that the finality of my decision really sunk in. 

I never thought I would miss teaching as much as I do.  Who would ever miss the planning and grading?  As much as I am shocked to say it, I do!  I am substituting a few days a week this school year.   I am happy to be back at school, but at the same time it is really hard.  I sit in the classrooms and miss having my own room and my own group of kids who become like my own for the year.   There are moments that I just want to rewind and go back to last May. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to be at home with Carolyn and spending so much time with her.  I wouldn’t want to be missing everything that I get to have with me being at home with her.  When I am home, that is where I want to be.  When I am at school, that’s where I want to be.  Ever heard of the saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side?”  Take my word for it, it’s true!!!

Did I make the right decision?   I don’t know for sure.  I will say that it was amazing how quickly and how easily everything fell into place and worked out.  I wonder if it wasn’t God doing it all. 

My “plan” is to stay at home with Carolyn and substitute a few days a week until she starts school.   Then I would love to get hired again and just take Carolyn to school with me.   Will that work out?  Who knows?  It is out of my hands now. 

The control-freak that I am causes me to have moments when I feel my chest tightening and the panic setting in.  My school system is having serious budget cuts with the financial issues that are gripping our country at the moment.   As schools close and teachers are facing possible job loss, I feel like my decision was absolutely the stupidest thing ever.   I think that I will never get a job back, let alone a job teaching fifth grade in a school with such amazing people as the one I willingly left. 

But then I remind myself that it is in God’s hands.  If God wants me to teach again, He will open the door at the right time, at the right school, in the right grade, no matter what is happening.  It is in His hands, in His time, and I just need to take a deep breath, and take comfort in knowing that.   I have to remind myself of that at least once a week, when I have my mini freak-outs! 

So until then, I will enjoy my time with my little girl and wait on the Lord! 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

(Sorry this is so long, but I couldn’t make it any shorter!  And I didn’t want to do a Part 3!)

One Tough Decision - Part 1

My plan - Ever since I can remember, I planned to be a stay-at-home mom.  I had the dream of a house full of kids (at least four) and them coming home from school to a warm kitchen that smelled of dinner cooking.  They would sit at the table, eat cookies (homemade, of course), do homework, and tell me about my day.   Just picture Mrs. Cleaver - with the apron and everything - that was what I wanted to be.  Eerch!!  STOP!!!  Fast forward to about 8 years ago...

Then I became a teacher.  I loved, loved, LOVED my job!!!  My job totally consumed me!  Never did I tell people I was going to "work."  I was always going to "school."  I spent countless hours in my classroom working, decorating, planning.  Everyone at school teased me for always staying there so late.  It was nothing for me to put in 10 to 12 hours on some days.  Actually, I very rarely left at the designated time.  When I moved away from home my first year as a teacher, I had days when the only sunlight that I saw was when I was outside at recess.  I left my apartment before the sun came up and left my classroom after it set in the evening.  I almost always came home on the weekends, but even then I usually spent my Sunday afternoons in my classroom.  I was exhausted, but I couldn't have been happier!  

The first few days of every school year, my students always asked me if I had any kids of my own.  My response to them was always, "I have ____ (the number of kids in my class) kids."  The look on their faces when I explained to them that they were my "borrowed kids" for the year was one of those looks that I will never get tired of, that little grin of pleasure!  My students - my kids, as I called them (I was even affectionately dubbed "Mama D" by one of my classes, which I loved) - were such a big part of my life.  I was constantly thinking of them and planning little ideas in my head.  I would buy books, games, decorations, candy, and anything without any thought.  A LOT of money on them and my classroom during my first few years of teaching.  So much, in fact, that I can remember counting out change in my car's ashtray to buy a hamburger from McDonald's as my dinner several times during my very first year of teaching!  (Then I got married and had to explain where my money was going...LAUGH!!!)

The summer after my second year of teaching, I got married.  When we started talking about starting a family, I insisted that I was going to be a stay-at-home mom.   The only problem was I did not want to give up a job that I absolutely loved.   I wanted to have both of my dreams, but the problem was I couldn't.  And I refused to adjust or modify either of them.  After about three years of trying to make a decision, I decided to stop worrying about it, let go of it, and let God do what he wanted.  Wouldn't you know, I found out that I was pregnant a few months later. 

I found out I was pregnant in November and right away began wondering what I was going to do as far as teaching went.  Since my babe was due in July, I knew that I would be on maternity leave for at least the beginning of the new school year.  That would allow me to have a little bit of time to make my "final" decision before I had to go back to school.  

After Carolyn was born, I was REALLY torn!!!  How could I leave this little one?  How could I not teach and leave my classroom and everything behind?  I began doing some research and discovered that I could actually take an entire year leave and still be guaranteed a position, although not necessarily my position, the following year.  This was it!  That is what I would do!  That would give me a whole year to decide what I was going to do!   To quote Scarlett O'Hara, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

So I contacted the necessary people, wrote the formal letter, and got everything in place to begin my year at home.  I planned to substitute a bit in the spring to "ease" myself back into school.  If I felt like I had to get out the house, I could substitute more.  If I couldn't stand being away from Carolyn, then I wouldn't substitute at all.  Basically, I had a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card that gave me an extra year to make my final decision.  I know had my new plan and I could enjoy Carolyn's first year at home with her.  

I went to my school when teachers went back and visited with everyone and went over things with my long-term substitute who would teach my class for the whole year.  It was the weirdest feeling seeing "my" classroom rearranged and decorated differently than I had it and seeing someone else sitting at "my" desk.   Don't get me wrong!  The substitute is an amazing teacher, wonderful person, and great friend.  It was nothing against her - it just wasn't me.  But, I left school feeling really okay and settled about my decision. 

Ever hear the saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"?  Well, that evening, my husband died!

NOW WHAT???

And because this post is getting really big and I haven't even gotten to my decision yet, I will continue this next time.  I'll hold you in suspense!  Hah!!  Yes, I know...you are rolling our eyes at my cheesiness!!!