One Tough Decision - Part 1

My plan - Ever since I can remember, I planned to be a stay-at-home mom.  I had the dream of a house full of kids (at least four) and them coming home from school to a warm kitchen that smelled of dinner cooking.  They would sit at the table, eat cookies (homemade, of course), do homework, and tell me about my day.   Just picture Mrs. Cleaver - with the apron and everything - that was what I wanted to be.  Eerch!!  STOP!!!  Fast forward to about 8 years ago...

Then I became a teacher.  I loved, loved, LOVED my job!!!  My job totally consumed me!  Never did I tell people I was going to "work."  I was always going to "school."  I spent countless hours in my classroom working, decorating, planning.  Everyone at school teased me for always staying there so late.  It was nothing for me to put in 10 to 12 hours on some days.  Actually, I very rarely left at the designated time.  When I moved away from home my first year as a teacher, I had days when the only sunlight that I saw was when I was outside at recess.  I left my apartment before the sun came up and left my classroom after it set in the evening.  I almost always came home on the weekends, but even then I usually spent my Sunday afternoons in my classroom.  I was exhausted, but I couldn't have been happier!  

The first few days of every school year, my students always asked me if I had any kids of my own.  My response to them was always, "I have ____ (the number of kids in my class) kids."  The look on their faces when I explained to them that they were my "borrowed kids" for the year was one of those looks that I will never get tired of, that little grin of pleasure!  My students - my kids, as I called them (I was even affectionately dubbed "Mama D" by one of my classes, which I loved) - were such a big part of my life.  I was constantly thinking of them and planning little ideas in my head.  I would buy books, games, decorations, candy, and anything without any thought.  A LOT of money on them and my classroom during my first few years of teaching.  So much, in fact, that I can remember counting out change in my car's ashtray to buy a hamburger from McDonald's as my dinner several times during my very first year of teaching!  (Then I got married and had to explain where my money was going...LAUGH!!!)

The summer after my second year of teaching, I got married.  When we started talking about starting a family, I insisted that I was going to be a stay-at-home mom.   The only problem was I did not want to give up a job that I absolutely loved.   I wanted to have both of my dreams, but the problem was I couldn't.  And I refused to adjust or modify either of them.  After about three years of trying to make a decision, I decided to stop worrying about it, let go of it, and let God do what he wanted.  Wouldn't you know, I found out that I was pregnant a few months later. 

I found out I was pregnant in November and right away began wondering what I was going to do as far as teaching went.  Since my babe was due in July, I knew that I would be on maternity leave for at least the beginning of the new school year.  That would allow me to have a little bit of time to make my "final" decision before I had to go back to school.  

After Carolyn was born, I was REALLY torn!!!  How could I leave this little one?  How could I not teach and leave my classroom and everything behind?  I began doing some research and discovered that I could actually take an entire year leave and still be guaranteed a position, although not necessarily my position, the following year.  This was it!  That is what I would do!  That would give me a whole year to decide what I was going to do!   To quote Scarlett O'Hara, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

So I contacted the necessary people, wrote the formal letter, and got everything in place to begin my year at home.  I planned to substitute a bit in the spring to "ease" myself back into school.  If I felt like I had to get out the house, I could substitute more.  If I couldn't stand being away from Carolyn, then I wouldn't substitute at all.  Basically, I had a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card that gave me an extra year to make my final decision.  I know had my new plan and I could enjoy Carolyn's first year at home with her.  

I went to my school when teachers went back and visited with everyone and went over things with my long-term substitute who would teach my class for the whole year.  It was the weirdest feeling seeing "my" classroom rearranged and decorated differently than I had it and seeing someone else sitting at "my" desk.   Don't get me wrong!  The substitute is an amazing teacher, wonderful person, and great friend.  It was nothing against her - it just wasn't me.  But, I left school feeling really okay and settled about my decision. 

Ever hear the saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"?  Well, that evening, my husband died!

NOW WHAT???

And because this post is getting really big and I haven't even gotten to my decision yet, I will continue this next time.  I'll hold you in suspense!  Hah!!  Yes, I know...you are rolling our eyes at my cheesiness!!!

My Year of 2010

Well, this will not be a "normal" blog.  I know that blogs are supposed to be light-hearted and short.  I am sure that many of you out there have heard bits and pieces of my life over the past year.  But, I am also aware that people are curious and are just too polite to ask me any questions.   I wanted to fill those people in.  I am not doing this for pity or sorrow.  I am simply sharing my story.  So here we go...

To tell you about my year of 2010, I have to go back to Veteran's Day of 2009.  That was the morning that I woke up to get ready for school and decided to take a pregnancy test.  It was positive and walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where Terry was getting ready to leave and said, "You've got to be kidding me!"  We both were excited and decided not to tell anyone!  Terry's truck no sooner pulled out of the driveway when I called my sister to tell her the news she had been waiting for all summer!  :)  

About two weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I began the nausea and vomiting that had been passed down to me from my mother, her mother, and my mother's mother's mother.  By Christmas, I had lost 20 pounds, had spent a weekend in the hospital, and was still unable to keep much down, including the anti-nausea oral medications that I was given.  I sent Terry down to spend Christmas with his family, knowing that it would be the last Christmas morning he would ever spend at his home.  (We had both agreed that we wanted our kids to wake up on Christmas morning in our home and to do Christmas morning alone with our very own little family.)  

The year 2010 began and I was still terribly sick.  But not sick enough to stop nagging Terry to go to the doctor to get an issue checked out that he'd been experiencing since he was in elementary school.  He got an appointment for January 5th.  Since I couldn't be vertical for very long periods at a time (I couldn't even make it through a shower without throwing up), my dad agreed to drive Terry to get the procedure done.  I worked a half day that day and was laying on the couch when they got back home.  I walked out to the kitchen and we chatted for a few minutes before I asked how things had gone.  I cannot tell you my shock when my father said, "The doctor found something and he said it didn't look good."  We had been chatting about food and how Terry took the anesthetic and they had never even hinted that something was wrong.  

The next day or the day after, Terry and I were both home when we got the dreaded phone call that Terry did indeed have colorectal cancer.  I will never forget sitting on the bed in the spare room together, neither of us knowing quite what to do or say.  We then started making phone calls and discussing how/when we were going to tell people.

The next few weeks were a blur of doctor's appointment, nerves, and tears for me.  I cried nonstop, but after the day we found out that Terry had cancer, I never saw him cry.  Though it was bad news. we learned that it was still was very positive.  He had Stage 1 cancer and his survival rate was superiorly high.  It was determined that Terry would have to go through a round of chemotherapy and radiation and would have surgery in the spring, followed by another surgery to reverse the ileostomy he would have to have.  We were busy doing calculations as to where he would be in this process when the baby was born.  Luckily, it looked like Terry would be back to normal before the baby was born.

January and February went by with both of us not feeling so hot.  Terry was somewhat sick from the chemo and radiation, but it wasn't all that bad - so he told me.  Even so, there were many nights that we both came home and went straight to bed - me on the couch because I couldn't lay flat and Terry in our bed.  Thanks to the fact that it was the snowiest winter ever on record for good old Keyser's Ridge, I had a lot of snow days to sleep and try to regain the weight and strength that I had lost.   Terry still got up every morning and went to work, some days having to go to chemo and radiation before work.  Amazingly, he never missed a day due to sickness.

As spring arrived and the world woke up from its very long winter's nap, we were both were healing as well.  Terry was through with chemotherapy and radiation and I was beginning to feel like my old self again.  We started making all of those baby plans that had been sort of put on hold for a bit.  In May, we began planning for Terry's surgery.  He had several scans and they showed great news.  There was no detectable tumor on his colon anymore!  The surgery was still to be done for precautionary measures, but things looked great.  

On May 20, Terry had his surgery.  Tests showed that no living cancer cells were found anywhere in his body!   He was cancer free!  Terry and I figured he could have his reversal surgery done in six weeks, and then he would be as good as new when the baby arrived.  Unfortunately, the doctors wanted him to do another round of chemotherapy just to be safe before his next surgery.   So as soon as he could, Terry started his chemo (pill form this time).  He was feeling great (playing in two different softball leagues), and it didn't seem like the chemo was going to be an issue when the baby came.  

Summer arrived, I finished with school for the year, and Terry was still doing chemo and playing softball.  We got the house ready for the baby.  Terry started a new job - one with better insurance so I could stay at home with the baby for the year or maybe permenately like we'd always planned.  My due date, July 10th came.  I walked over 5 miles on the bike trail and jumped up and down my basement steps over and over again!  No baby that day!  What could I do to go into labor?  I was willing to try anything...well almost anything!!  

On July 14th, I starting cleaning my house, thinking that I was possibly in labor.  I planned to clean my house before going to the hospital so it would be all nice and tidy when we came home.  I didn't get very far though.  Lucky for me, my sister came over and cleaned while I sat in the tub waiting for Terry to get out of his doctor's appointment.  But it took Terry too long, and my mom ended up driving me.  We met Terry there.  Finally, shortly after midnight on July 15th, our little girl entered the world!  "Are you SURE it's a girl?" I asked.  (I wanted a girl so badly, I was sure it was going to be a boy!)

After we came home from the hospital, we began adjusting to our new life - a family of three.  Terry went to work in the morning, and I took care of Carolyn and did the cooking and cleaning - just like I'd always daydreamed about.  In the evenings, we'd eat, I'd clean up the kitchen, and while I showered, Terry would take Carolyn for a walk across the farm.  Then Carolyn would get her bath, and she and I would go to bed.  Often times, Terry would then go play softball!   

On August 20th, I was feeding Carolyn to put her to sleep and Terry came into our bedroom and said that he was going to go for a quick jog.  (He had just decided to go hunting in Colorado with my brother, brother-in-law, and friend.  He was excited and wanted to be ready for the hiking!)  I put Carolyn to bed and fell asleep myself.  Twenty minutes later, I was awakened by a pounding on the door.  I jumped out of bed, thinking Terry had locked himself out.  I was ready to yell at him for making so much noise that he was going to wake the baby up.  But, it wasn't Terry.  It was my uncle.  He was leaving the farm (we live on my grandparent's farm) and he had found Terry along the lane.  He had called 911, started CPR, and the ambulance was there.  But, Terry was gone.  He had apparently collapsed while on his run.   It took a long time that night for it to sink in, but it finally did.  

The next days were a blur of activity to prepare for the funeral and everything.  My family was there with me every step of the way.  They were so amazing!  I never was alone.  Friends stopped by.  Food, cards, flowers, and anything you could imagine poured in.  Never did I feel so loved and blessed!  

The year of 2010 was quite a year for me.  I won't lie - it has been a huge adjustment.  I am doing fine.  I have a little girl who is the smiliest little thing you could ever meet.  She brings me so much joy.  (Her name, by the way, means "joyful companion.")  I have so many people who are here for me!  It is truly amazing.  But the main reason that I am doing as well as I am is the Lord.   I have had so many people praying for me throughout this entire year: my being sick, Terry being diagnosed with cancer, the baby being born, and then Terry's death.  The prayers were lifted up and the blessings were poured down.  I may not know nor understand why Terry died, but I am not supposed to.  It is in the Lord's plan for Carolyn's and my lives.  I feel so blessed to have had Terry in my life for almost seven years - married for four.  I am so happy he got to meet his baby girl.  As 2011 begins, I know that life goes on and I am so happy that I don't have to worry about the future - it is all in the Lord's hands!

Matthew 6:33-34 (New International Version, ©2010)

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.   Each day has enough trouble of its own."